Kiss
Puke
Umm I'm too high to move.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
