He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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