It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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