Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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