So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
