Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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