Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
