Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She bit a glass in half.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
