I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
