I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
