nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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