Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
