No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
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That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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