The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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