Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
my liver is dry heaving
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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