i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
