Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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