Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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