no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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