Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
