apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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