i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
