no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I will pee on everything he values.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
