Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
