Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
