I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
