I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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