if you like me you must not know who I am
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
