Jerry, you need to find god
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
