Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Never underestimate the power of titties
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
