Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
