Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
