just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
