i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
