This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
