I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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