Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
