the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Randomize
