I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
