I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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