Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
