its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just forgot I was standing up.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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