he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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