my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
