the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
