saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
