What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
