I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
