They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
