y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
