No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
