So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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