i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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