dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
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That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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