dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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