If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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