Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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