I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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